19/03/2022

Ok, well this is weird. It seems I’m only going to end up writing things on those days when I’m really struggling with thought. But this is one of those days, so here we go.

Today it is definitely spring. The sun is out; everyone is sitting outside. Alice is hosting an Easter party! And Matthew is staying with me this weekend. We went out to Winchester this morning, had a walk around, did some shopping, and had a nice coffee. This evening, I'll be playing in the CCS-Highfield trilogy match.

I have been thinking too much today about dating, marriage, and my interest in M. And I don’t know how to explain it. I try to tell myself not to think about it until I meet my tests: 1) finish second-year and 2) have a sustained (> three months) period of victory over p, m, and lust in general. But I tell myself these, but can’t get the thoughts out of my head. Are they even thoughts? They feel in part like cravings. Maybe? But Jesus can satisfy this; He is sufficient for me; He alone can complete me, and totally. Is it a fascination, an infatuation? I don’t know — I hope not. I don’t think it is.

I’m pretty sure it’s an unhealthy desire. Because I exist to bring God glory. But the reason why I’m feeling all this is not some sudden strong desire to magnify God in marriage. And marriage won’t be feasible for a while. It’s something else.

I think it may be correlated with victory over p and m. I’ve seen victory over it for 9 days now, which is great. Praise God. And the last time, I was struggling with these thoughts, it was also during a time of victory for a number of days. I guess this is one of the “benefits” that r/nofap talk about. And insofar as it is, I guess that is a positive thing. But it still feels hard (much better than the shame of m though). I think it is just a craving, tbh. Craving for what though? Physical or sexual release/intimacy? Maybe, without them, my brain is just wired now to really want it. But I’m not being really tempted in the way that I know I could be.

But I know as well that singleness is great. I can serve the Lord with much more of my time, finances, energy and attention than otherwise! I want to do that. I want to glorify and serve God. I want to be available to be sent; to say Yes!” to God and go. I want God to use me. Singleness is a great time for that. And it is a calling, not a state of ‘not married yet’. God has placed me where I am, single, with opportunities to serve him. I want to be satisfied with that. (But then, when should you start dating, idk)

Let me finish by writing a prayer:

Father, thank you that you are in control. You are sovereign over me. You have placed me where I am, amongst the people I live life with, in the state that I am. And in those places and situations, you have called me to glorify You, to worship You and to serve you and others around me. Help me to do that Lord. Thanks for the opportunities I have to do that as I am now. Father, in Your strength, use to in those ways.

Thank you Father that you at infinite. You are enough for me. you can satisfy my every longing, desire and expectation. And You can be soo much more beyond that. Father, help me to look to You for satisfaction, for connection. Help me to go to you, and talk to you when I’m feeling rough. And thank you Father that you are there, You are enough, and You give good gifts to Your children. Help me find joy in You. And finally to live life to the full now; without craving a future, or something, you haven’t given me or situation you haven’t placed me in. Help me to love You more. I love you Father. Amen.